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I’m frugal – and afraid to show it
Ever since I stumbled across the concept of financial independence five years ago, I’ve been on the straight and narrow path of frugality. I meticulously record my spending, cut down on extraneous expenses, and celebrate when I hit my ambitious savings goals.
But despite the significant role that frugality plays in my life, and my overarching goal of becoming financially independent, I’ve been keeping this information mostly under wraps. I typically don’t talk about personal finance with friends, and most definitely didn’t talk about it with my colleagues.
The social stigma around frugality
Despite understanding the power of frugality, and how making intentional decisions around our spending can change our lives, I still feel a strong sense of shame around being frugal.
Where does that shame come from? I believe it’s because in our society, there’s still the mentality that being frugal is the same as being cheap – and I’m afraid of being labelled cheap.
I still remember a comment that a friend made years ago about how it seemed that all my clothes came from charity shops. I don’t really know the true intention of her words – she was and still is one of closest friends – but her observation really stung.
In my mind back then, she was saying that I was a cheapskate, and looked like a cheapskate. Rather than just boldly affirm my love for second-hand clothing, I defended myself and told her that wasn’t true, and made an effort to tell her about stuff I had recently bought on the high street.
It didn’t matter that the stuff I got from the high street weren’t as good quality, or as unique as what I could find from a charity shop – by opting to make the more frugal and environmental choice of buying second-hand, I felt singled out for being a weirdo.
In a country where maxing out credit cards seems to be a point of pride, frugality is unpopular. Compare us to Germany, where frugality is part of the culture. They avoid debt like the plague and have one of the highest savings rate in Europe. Yet we often make fun of their austerity and thrift – and then go back to our shopping.
Proving I’m not a cheapskate weirdo
To avoid being labelled cheap, I feel like I have to conform to social norms around spending. So if I’m going out for dinner with friends, I’ll typically follow the group and share starters and desserts, and order some drinks, even though I might just prefer just a main course and a glass of water. If they want to continue drinking, I’ll go for one, and then might say that I’m tired and go home instead of paying for a string of £10 cocktails.
As I’ve upped my savings goals in the last five years, I’ve become very creative at hiding my frugality behind other socially accepted excuses. For example:
- I tell people that I don’t usually buy data for my phone because I don’t want to be staring at my phone all the time – instead of admitting that I don’t want to pay for data when I already have wifi at home and at work.
- I created a myth that I don’t drink caffeine on weekends, just because I don’t want to pay for overpriced lattes while having brunch with my friends.
- I told my friends I’d rather do my yoga first thing at home when I wake up, rather than join them at expensive after-work yoga classes.
- I tell everyone I hate the thought of getting stuck in traffic, so I prefer to walk or take public transport – instead of telling them that I think taxis can be a waste of money.
Although there is truth in each of the excuses I give above, I prefer to lead with the non-money related explanation. And I realised it’s not just me that does this.
I was staying with a friend recently, and we went out for dinner with her friends at an expensive restaurant. Her friends ordered drinks, and said she made the excuse that couldn’t drink because she was developing a cold. However, I know she wasn’t drinking overpriced glasses of wine because she’s on a really strict budget.
Conquering the shame
I realise I’m being dishonest by not disclosing the real reasons behind my spending decisions, and not talking openly about personal finance. Like Weenie at Quietly Saving, I’m ok to write about these topics anonymously online, but feel squeamish at the thought of a friend discovering this blog.
It almost feels like leading a double life: on the outside I’m more or less a regular person who has a normal relationship with money, but privately, I devour financial independence content and also write about it.
But by shying away from having from meaningful conversations about spending according to our values, I wonder if I’m also doing friends a disservice. Discovering financial independence has been transformative for so many people, and I know it would be for many in my circle as well.
By pretending to be an average Jane, I don’t do anything to help friends from living from paycheque to paycheque, or from thinking that retirement savings just don’t matter. I don’t do anything to help move the status quo from mindless consumerism to optimisation of resources.
If we are to move towards a more sustainable world with an aging population and smaller (or non-existent) state pensions, we’re going to need to have those conversations in real-life, beyond this small, but growing FI community.
But I also recognise that money is extremely personal, and can spark some defensive and divergent views. A wrongly-timed conversation with the right person may not help matters. They have to be open and receptive.
By opening embarking on a year-long mini-retirement, I’ve now clearly marked myself as a weirdo to my friends. It’s already helped me start some conversations about how savings have helped me take this leap. Although friends have typically responded with “oh I couldn’t do that”, I hope it has at least planted a seed that big things are possible when you’re intentional with money.
Are you openly frugal, or do you try to hide it? Have suggestions on how to have better conversations about money? Comment below!
I think that this is something that a lot of us struggle with. One thing that I have observed though is that the more wealthy the individual the more relaxed they are about saying they don’t want to do something for money reasons. I guess that there’s a certain confidence that comes when you know that you don’t have to worry about keeping up appearances.
Given tat I’ve been trying to adopt that in my life a bit in a kind of fake it ’til you make it way (I don’t always manage it though!). The reaction’s been interesting in that people have more often than not piled into support me when I suggest we go to a cheaper place or go to someone’s house for an evening in. Also in the past the people have been sympathetic when I say that I can’t do something as I’m a bit short (although to be honest I’ve not done that a lot for a few years).
It makes me think that this is an much in my mind as anything else!
Yeah I wonder how much of this is in my mind!! I’m going to try being more upfront with my friends if something doesn’t fit into my budget, especially now that I’m clearly not earning any money.
You make a very astute observation here Mindy.
When people cease trying to “keep up with the Joneses”, yet retain the same social group, it creates a disconnect. Your overpriced dinner/drinks example is a great case study of this in action.
Unfortunately there often aren’t many good answers to this.
* You can go along and lie, as you’ve described here.
* You can suck it up and pay what it costs to hang out with them.
* You can be anti-social and skip it.
* You can try to educate/rescue/convert them to your cause.
* You can trade your old friends in for new ones who have budgets more aligned to your own.
All have their risks and drawbacks, but some require less compromising of your own values than others.
Thanks for the very thoughtful comment in-deed-a-bly! I wouldn’t swap my friends for the world, so the last option is out of the question. But I have tried a mix of all the other tactics you’ve mentioned here, depending on my mood and the context.
I’m pretty frugal with my own personal purchases and how I live etc but I’ve resolved that I don’t want to be be so frugal when I’m with my friends and when we go out. Fortunately, this only really happens once or twice a month, so I don’t mind spending a bit more for food and drink, although we have our favourite places to go to where we know we are getting great food for a good price.
I still draw the line at extravagance so it’s never the most expensive bars or restaurants and it wouldn’t just be me suggesting other places to go!
That sounds like a good approach Weenie. It seems like your friends also appreciate good value for money.
What an awesome piece! (I enjoyed my time living in Asia, so I might be checking out some of your other stuff, though I’m back in the states).
Many of my friends are teachers, where talking about money savings is fairly acceptable because, hey educators are just tryin’ to make it. However, I have a lot of friends (and especially my kids have a lot friends) who are in dual income earning, professional families (we live on one salary in the same high COL area), and can afford more whether they live conspicuous consumption lifestyles or not. I tend to play along when I want to, but with my own rules (ordering one small appetizer I really want and water when we go out). If anyone asks, I might share the real reason, or I might indicate it’s a preference based on a secondary but also true reason like not being hungry or environmental preferences (as you do) if I think it would make them feel better.
Harder stuff is kids’ stuff, like multiple (expensive) activities or (elementary school) yearbooks (WHY???). With that, I explain to my kids about why we have to sometimes choose between several things we want, and how lucky we are to be able to make that choice because some families can’t even afford everything they need. Even at 4 and 7, they get it and will often realize they’d rather do a particular school fundraiser or buy craft supplies than get ice cream out or buy a new gizmo. We have to say no more than feels comfortable, but I think it helps them manage the overwhelming choices they are offered.
I made the decision to intentionally blog with my real identity so anyone who is curious how we “do” the single income thing can join in the conversation. I’m still not sure how many of my real life friends/acquaintances read my blog (some do let me know every now and then).
Thanks for stopping by Diana! It sounds like you and your family are doing well, despite being surrounded by friends and families who have a lot more available disposable income. I don’t have kids in the picture, but I imagine it’s difficult if your kids’ friends are all going to expensive events or classes. I know a lot of my friends who are new mums are already spending a lot of money on these types of activities (if only to get out of the house and meet other mums!)
Peer pressure can be a lot more powerful that we like to admit. Maybe you can find a frugal friend?
I will certainly try! Hopefully I’ll be able to make some FI friends offline at some point 🙂
I have a very high flying high income friend, we go waaaaay back to our young teens, with whom I stayed close even when I was at my poorest working all the time to support my family, and he was unattached, making good money, with no financial dependents. He liked doing things like going to the Opera and I definitely couldn’t afford it, and it was embarrassing but I was so poor at the time I couldn’t afford to preserve my pride by lying (and it was too much work) so I was honest with him that I couldn’t afford it. He cared much more about spending time with me than the money and knew I was only being honest and not trying to bum off him, so he would cover my ticket from time to time because he really wanted to share the experience. I think it was easier to be honest with him because we were both also busting our butts to grow our careers and incomes so he knew more of my full story than anyone else.
With a lot of other friends, I was gently honest that some things were just out of my ready, my financial burdens were too heavy. Although that’s not the case precisely anymore, we have cut off my leeching father and both make good incomes, my partner and I also live in a very HCOLA so we still have to be very careful with our money.
All those years of hardship was good training for me, so I have no shame in stating that some things are beyond our budget or that we need to plan at least a year in advance to make things possible in our budget.
Hi Revanche, thanks for the comment! Sounds like honesty was the best way to go with your friend – and that you could still have a lot of fun hanging out together. My oldest friend was also a high flyer – I once went out for a lunch with her that ended up costing almost $200, which was my food budget for the whole month! By the time I realised the cost, it was way too late – and I should have been honest at the start. Now she’s the one on the strict budget (mentioned in the post), and I’m very sympathetic – I think it’s far harder to go from a high-flying lifestyle to watching every penny.
Being a single mother of 4 has saved me from having to deal with this. Everyone EXPECTED that I couldn’t afford things, so when I’d opt out of expensive items I didn’t even have to explain.
Now I have the reputation of being frugal, (plus I’m in my 50’s, which is when you seriously don’t give a tinker’s cuss about what anyone thinks about you), so I merrily go my own way.
My sister had a go at me once about not going out for coffee, which led to a very interesting discussion about living according to values. I gently pointed out that she was calling the woman who spent 2K on a miniature dachshund and 30K on a 9-week trip to Europe ‘a tightarse.’ I spend on what I value and I reign in the spending on what I don’t.
She laughed and said that maybe I have a point. 🙂
Haha, I approve of your spending choices – cute dog and travel over expensive coffee any day!
Mi Mindy
Myself living on the consumist and land of show off, Spain, had the same problem.
Specially with my closest friends, middle class who believes that debt is the way to get all goods that you want.
Saying in Spain that you are frugal sounds so bad that people would ask you straight away: why????
So instead of saying to them that i am frugal (that for them it means that you are just plain cheap) i say to them that i am a minimalist. And that changes the whole thing. If frugal is horrible for them, to be a minimalist is cool.
Because minimalist sounds spiritual and nobody can be against that. Just play this trick next time that somebody ask you and you will see how their whole perspective changes. Actually they can even become frugal that way without even realizing 🙂
Regards
I,
Hi Ivan, thanks for the comment! It’s true – saying you’re a minimalist seems more socially acceptable than saying you’re frugal. Before I started improving my finances, I realised I already was frugal in some ways because I was trying to live an environmentally-friendly lifestyle.
My struggle is actually being seen as ‘privileged’ and more ‘well-off’ than others and hence I feel like I don’t deserve or have the right to be frugal. I prioritize putting my money in my house, travel and maintaining a car (cars cost a fortune in my country). I have friends from multiple social groups. When I’m with the middle-upper-class group, I feel like I don’t want to seem cheap and suffer from keeping up with the Jones. When I’m with friends of lower social groups than me, I feel guilty being frugal when it seems I have so much more than them. My solution to overcome the shame and guilt is to talk more openly about it on my blog without judging the choices of others. When one of my colleagues asked me about my blog it last week, I told him that it’s something my boss and no one else knows about so please don’t talk about it to others. I guess I still have a long way to go dealing with shame and guilt around this.
Yep, money brings about such complicated feelings! I think blogging about it helps us deal with and improve our mindsets around money. I checked out your blog- v interesting story!
Thanks, and yes. Blogging is helping me find myself around money – not always what I expected!